The first step into a year of self-discovery

#19

My heart has been stabbed a million times over, by fucking society! And I want to cry.. again.

I want to blame you.. yes you, who walks past me with your judgmental eyes, your judgmental thoughts.. you piercing slicing words of absolute cruelty! I loathe you.. all of you!

I've said it!

But.. no. That's not the right approach. Fine, I was young and weak and gullible.. and was a casualty of the rules of social conformity.. and I lost myself.

It's not enough to acknowledge this and to stare blankly through the coffin glass, at a cold, still corpse of what was once a vibrant, self-loving, self-accepting personality.. I have to recover myself!

I have to re-discover myself! ME

Who the fuck am I? To be 19 (as of yesterday) and to not know who I really am (not who I'm 'supposed' to be in the eyes of society) is, in the least, depressing, heart-rending.

There's no one to blame.

All I seek is closure with the demons of my past, and acquaintance with a future in which I am free, I am me (whoever ME is), where I am unencumbered by shackles, where I am carefree, unconscious of social scrutiny, utterly a living being.. LIVING and BREATHING and BEING.. me.

Thank you, Charlene, for indirectly inspiring me today.. by offering me a glimpse into what being true to oneself and to the world really is.

 

The Journey of a Thousand Miles

A lot has happened within the span of this one week, that makes it seem, in retrospect, more akin to a fortnight, full of wonders and surprises, lessons and mistakes, packaged specially into the span of days... days that fly so quickly one can hardly keep up... you're here today and a millions miles away.. the next!

It's been a weird week, with its own confusions and feats of 'delirium.' And indeed, there's something about not learning from your mistakes that keeps you.. on edge. There is, quite literally, not a moment of rest. Blessed is he, indeed, who records his mistakes and applies solutions every day.

There's nothing worse than digging a deeper hole than the one you're already in.

And yet, and yet!


"I think I'll sleep now. Forget the world at least for a moment.." That's what we tell ourselves, afraid to acknowledge the depth and scope of our pit of problems, of wrong habits and wrong 'stuff.'

"Yes, I think I 'could' use a little power nap.." NO.


That's all I can say for now, and have been saying the entire week. No. A weak NO, but a NO nonetheless.

Sorry... I'm just too tired at the moment. Eye lids droopy and dropping, and the world is... fogging up ..as the senses retire, and the mind slumbers, in a world where all is free.

See you on the other side.

P/S: I just want to be held.