And the school break has began

"...Call it magic, call it true..."

That's what's playing in my head as I write this.

I'm not really wondering whether there is such a thing as magic, on one hand because of my Christian faith, and on another because this is indeed one those points in my life, in our lives, where ...there isn't a whole lot to be immediately hopeful for.

I'm not complaining. I've come to appreciate all the blessings in my life. As we all should.

Magic.

I ended my mock exams yesterday on a poor note, with a predicted failure in my math exams. It used to be my thing, but there's something about the IBDP that just.. leaves no room for indulgence.

I sit here wondering what my future will be, for my initial hope for applying early with my MOCK exams are now next to dashed. And ..my heart breaks, for things.. a lot of things are just not going as planned.

As I look above me there a whole bunch of slogans and mottos that I put to encourage me when working.. and one in particularly reads: "YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO SUCCESS; YOU HAVE TO WORK FOR IT!"

In essence, there is no magic. At least not in the world of schooling and education.

You DO have to work.. and the same applies for life in general.

And yet.. and yet I shuffle through. Uninspired. Trapped. Dishonest to myself and to the world.

I sometimes fantasize about 'the one' ..

".. call it magic, when I'm with you..."

Is that where the 'magic' lies? In relationships? And what do they have to do with success in school, work, life?

If only I knew!.. Me, who isolates everyone around me, breaking advances, bonds.. but really I'm isolating myself. It kills me to know and yet do nothing, out of perceived powerlessness.

I think.. if I can't have power on relationships, if I can't control them.. then I can at least control what's controllable - my grades, my Uni application, my future!

The musings of an African boy... one who seeks to travel to the 'Western world' and take in their superior teachings, which will somehow pave the way to a successful future.

And when I get there, then what?

I'm doing that thing again, where I escape from now, and travel to the future.. where all my hopes and dreams and plans and successes are stored.

And what do I have to show now?

What's so good about now to appreciate it?

I look around me and all I see is work, and assignments, and daunting chores, and an endlessly growing to-do list of things to cross out.

Is life really all about this? Is there no magic?

Recently, I've been asking myself: "Who am I really if not for my perception of self, for the memories I've made, and for the physical encasing I have assumed as my body?"

What do I have to claim as 'me' after its all said and done? After ..life?

And yet, at this moment, a slave-driving part of me thinks: It doesn't matter; you're way behind on today's assignments and the last thing you can afford to do is start veering off asking essentially unanswerable questions!

And I agree. It's so in my nature to expand my thoughts from the immediate to the intangible. And so I concede. And say goodbye for now, for indeed my assignments will not finish themselves.

...

Jude.


P/S:

Magic for me.. is an insight, a hope for good, for beauty and possibility and colour and a greater purpose, and as it stands, the burden of menial obligations is extinguishing, even drowning, that flame of magic that keeps us all going.